unlearning freedom
I’ve been learning a lot these days, or it seems, I’ve been unlearning a lot these days.
I’m usually a talker. I have a lot to say. You’ve probably noticed, if you read this blog for a while, that I haven’t had that much to say recently.
It’s because I’ve been trying to listen. And I’ve been hearing a lot about freedom, and my own glaring lack of it.
Raised in midwestern Christianity I’ve been taught to be scared of things like knowing yourself and being yourself. But I’ve believed a lot of things that were untrue, and one by one, painfully but wonderfully, they’re being ripped from me.
The most important thing I’m learning is that I’m valuable. If you read my lyrics over the past decade, it should be no surprise to you that I’m a person who often finds himself despising who he is. But that has to stop.
I’m realizing that if I believe in a God who created me and loved me, then I ought to live like it.
I can’t continue to feel like I’m worthless. I’m not.
I can’t continue to be afraid of who I am. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I can’t continue to be scared of my passions. I’m made in the image of a loving artist.
I can’t be scared of what somebody else thinks. Not because I believe in myself so much that I have the power within me, but because I have power within me that’s greater than me, and I believe in that.
I can’t be scared of my own story. Until I know it and understand it I’ll be controlled and defined by things I might not even be aware of.
I can’t continue to hide from the people I love when I feel I don’t deserve them or I’m not good enough. I need to be with them, for them and for me, knowing that who I am is worthwhile, even if my actions, thoughts or emotions tell me otherwise.
To be present is no easy thing sometimes, but anything less is a lie and dishonors the people that I love and the things I’ve been called to do.
I’ll spend the rest of my life learning what this looks like in real life, but now that I’ve glimpsed it, felt the wind of real freedom blowing through what’s left of my hair, there’s no going back.
May 5th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
I can’t express how happy I am to read this, Andrew.
May 5th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Andy that was great. It was very moving, and it makes me excited to see what new songs come out of this stage of your life.
May 5th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Wow. That was really good. I have been stuck in the same slough of dispound for some time. Thank you.
May 5th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Yep. I am worthy because I am made to be worthy. I am only unworthy in my response to that grace.
May 5th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Sounds like Dan Allender stuff. Good stuff. Are you reading ‘To be told’? That book is great.
May 6th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Preach, brother. “Dressed in His righteousness alone, faultless to stand before the throne…”
May 6th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Amen… though I disagree that midwestern Christianity teaches you to be “scared of things like knowing yourself and being yourself.” But I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment here. “Now I know in part, then I will know fully, just as I am fully known.” Ah the brilliance of that statement, we are fully known and fully loved. Blows my mind.
May 6th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Thanks Andy! I too grew up with the same kind of “Christian” mindset and over the last couple of years I have been trying to unlearn a lot of it. Thanks for expressing a lot of what I’m feeling and thinking.
May 7th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
I think that there is an unfortunate “conformity in behavior for the sake of acceptance” that is *rife* in many of the churches that I have been exposed to. Artists are told that their “art” is pointless because it doesn’t point to doctrine or doesn’t directly help someone, or it’s a “waste of time” that should be spent in service or devotions. Expose an area of nonconformity in your life, and the “social” nature of the church takes over and tries to make you conform, or they make you uncomfortable enough to leave. Disagree with someone in a position of power in the church (even on a minor point), and soon you are ostracized.
The sad point of this is: God made us *ALL* unique. The churches that recognize this and “celebrate the grace shown by God” in how different people live and worship - *those* will be churches that will Move The World, because people are free to become *ALL* that God wants them to be.
But, most importantly, as Andy has said - each of *us* needs to recognize that we are *FREE* to be who God wants us to be.
As far as “midwestern Christianity teaches you to be scared of things like knowing yourself and being yourself” - unfortunately I find myself having to disagree with Chris R and agree with Andy. And that’s not just because it’s his website…
Ask too many questions, and you’re a troublemaker. Question your pastor’s decision on anything, and you’re causing division. Come to a different interpretation on a particular piece of Scripture, and you’re a heretic. However, if you are only fully accepted in your church if you make yourself look and act like everyone around you, you are allowing yourself to lie for the sake of acceptance. The churches don’t see what they are actually doing to people - even though their intentions are good. They want to help people be the best Christ-followers they can be - but they expect it to line up with *their* image of the Christ-follower.
Perhaps it’s not “midwestern Christianity” - it’s “midwestern Churchianity” that is the problem? Is this just an Fundamentalism thing, or is this more widespread?
As you might be able to tell, I’m going through exactly the same process right now, and learning to root out a lot of the bitterness that I’ve been bearing regarding past church experiences. The end is: I answer to God, and I better figure out who He wants me to be and what He wants me to do.
Perhaps I rant too much.
But, this post just hit home with exactly where I am and what I’ve been dealing with (and my wife as well) - and it’s a wake-up call to see yourself for who you really are, and to see if you’ve been “brainwashed” (a harsh term, but I can’t think of a better one) into being another clone at your church. We’re made differently for a reason, and God did the making. So we should be celebrating it and building on it, rather than trying to make the square pegs all fit into round holes.